MAN SNEAKS INTO BUILDING WITH CARDBOARD BOX AND PORN STASH

Despite numerous high end security features, an individual managed to break into a government building at an undisclosed location using low tech methods.

(Recreation using advanced computer software from 2008)

Last month, a man snuck into a government building using a combination of clever distraction methods and a large cardboard box adorned with colorful melon stickers.

“It all happened so fast,” an anonymous security guard that was present the day of the break in was reported to have said. “I really can’t get into it because we’re not allowed to talk about it, but we’re still trying to figure out how he got past the front check in area.”

“It was the porn, but you didn’t hear that from me,” claimed a guard assigned to the front check in area. “At first, it was just a couple of guys, but these magazines just kept popping up out of nowhere.” The guard shrugged, adding, “There was just so much porn.”

“It was so rhythmic, almost musical.”

The case has left local authorities baffled, “My partner had just gone off to investigate some strange rhythmic knocking somewhere in the next room, leaving me alone in the hall.” A third security guard was reported to have said, “That’s when I noticed it. It was just there all of a sudden, this big box of melons, cantaloupes or something.”

The only lead that authorities have, aside from the copious amount of pornography left behind at the scene, were first hand witness accounts of a melon box suddenly appearing and disappearing throughout the building, as well as reports of unexplained knocking.

“You don’t understand. That knocking was really confusing.” A third guard went on to explain, “I mean, what was it? It was so rhythmic, almost musical. I know it sounds ridiculous, the guy stationed with me swore it sounded like the polite knocking of a pizza boy or Girl Scout troop.”

“There was just so much porn.”

The guard who had gone in search of the knocking was found later knocked out and stuffed into a personal locker.

“I kept thinking about what that knocking could’ve been, I completely forgot about the box. I mean, we’ve had melons in the cafeteria before, I didn’t think that a box of them sitting in the hall two floors down from the kitchen was that odd.” The guard hangs in his head before adding, “That’s when I turned my back on that melon box and... that was the last thing I remember before I was found in that locker.”

In total, 6 guards were found stuffed in lockers throughout the building. The box of melons is still at large.